A Time To Retract

There is an adendum to the previous post about radical love.

Love and forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing behavior that violates your boundaries and needs.
If you make your needs clear, and someone consistently violates that trust,

that’s when it’s time to consider that cutting them off. Leaving the past behind, leaving anything connected to that, blocking all concerned, might be a better choice, if people disrespect your heart, boundaries, and needs.

It is wise if it isn’t a choice made in anger. But if it must be, that’s okay too. Anger is a signal. It’s a signal of boundaries violated, and it’s a signal that we need more self care.

Things look prettier by gaslight, don’t they?
It would be peaceful to believe – it is tempting, sometimes – that you are the problem.
I chose that. If I am the problem, then I know there’s something here I can fix. It’s within my control. It gives me a sense of safety, and I don’t have to listen to my gut which is telling me the room is swimming in gaslight.
But ultimately, it will make your life a misery. If a healthy and reasonable expression of a boundary is somehow painted as “overreacting,” and, if they blow it up to others as such, the manipulator is showing you who they are. Pay attention.
Even if their behavior is somehow unintentional, it’s there.
It will show itself repeatedly.

Center, breathe, and watch.

How do you know it’s gaslighting, and how do you get out of it?

You can’t just “not react” when someone pulls strings, because they will run around to others telling whatever story of your “reaction” they want to tell, and they’ll act like they’re doing “damage control,” when in fact, they are the one who set the fire themselves. There are many people in this world addicted to strife, upset, and drama.
You can’t bring peace to this. You’ll just get caught up in their drama tangle.

What you can do is ignore.
Express your needs again, and make sure you are heard.
Don’t react if they try to twist things that you are somehow “irrational,” “Overly sensitive” or “crazy.”  Just state your needs.

Then if your needs are not respected,
Walk away.

I don’t care what it costs you, or you think it will cost you. The cost of your own identity is far greater than anything you could possibly gain by sticking around remaining loyal to anyone engaging in this kind of manipulation. And if your friends or family believe that person?
That is their lesson to learn.

Walk away.

Let your life become completely empty, if that’s the way it has to be.
Keep being your incredible self, hold your head high, stay on the high road, and walk away only for the preservation of your own heart.
By doing so, you show yourself that your heart is worth fighting for. That you don’t have to stick around and take behind-the-back behaviors of unkindness. That isn’t for you; it’s not yours. If people engage in it, that’s their karma, and theirs alone to carry.

Leave them with it.

Walk in love.  chewieahsoka.jpg
Ultimately, those you spend your life with need to earn it by behaving as respectfully to you as you do to them.

No regrets. Stay on the warrior’s path, and let your heart of integrity and honor lead the way.

The rest is noise.

2 thoughts on “A Time To Retract

  1. This was interesting to read. Not sure I agree with all of it, but it has me thinking for sure. “Let your life become completely empty…”. I see what you mean there, but the minute you walk away from such pain, you’ll realize empty was being around someone who did not value YOU. Getting rid of such YUKKINESS will show you a much more meaningful and full life. Hmmm… such a complex thing, relationships – of all kinds! Great post. Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, I agree with you. This is an oversimplified thought sparked by my last post, and a memory of a toxic family member I finally cut off contact with years ago.
      It can be so difficult to choose, especially if we’re used to gaslighting and other emotional abuse behaviors. I just mainly didn’t want my last post to encourage people to stay and think that choosing to be “loving” somehow meant accepting abuse.
      It’s such a tricky and often confusing line to walk.
      But over time, consistent repetition of boundary violating is a clear sign I can point to.
      And the “let it be empty,” is really to my old self, who was afraid. Narcissists especially can spin stories that have their victims feel they’ll be alone If they leave, that “everyone” will believe the stories the Narc tells.
      I’m sure I’m telling you stuff you already know/ but to me, it took years to figure out when it wasn’t “cruel” to take care of myself.

      Thank you for your thoughts and support!

      Liked by 1 person

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