Love in action is built with focus and intention.
I’m going to write a blueprint, one day, when I’ve narrowed down the steps.
It doesn’t happen by accident, and one can’t wander into it guided by feeling.
It requires absolutely razing the foundations of anything built on desire. If there is a shred of you that wants someone else to be or do something,
napalm that shit.
Kill it. It hurts like hell. If you want to live fully and truly, do it. kill it now.
When you have a smoking crater (yes, it will smoke- that smoke, which consists of a hundred or a hundred thousand memories, will continue long past the time you think it should be clear. It will get in your eyes ::cue the song, you know the one-:: and it will make your heart sting and your eyes water, but it’s just smoke. Ride it out. You are stronger than the memories, and the smoke will probably continue to rise your entire life. That is okay! Let it. It holds goodness, but it is nothing to build a life on.)
Have you done it? Okay. So you’ve got your smoking crater. I had to do a “letting go” ritual every day for a few months, until I had my crater. The castle I had built on it was HUGE, but it was a monstrosity. Part complete beauty, and partly a frankenstein of youthful inadequacies and brother-wounds. It had to go.
Now it’s time to lay a foundation of acceptance. You loved someone. Because this is my story, I’m going to tell you, I loved that person exactly for who he is. I saw him, flaws and all. I still love him. And now that I have released him completely, I can tell you that I set that love free every single morning. I will love him until the day I die, and I’ll love him exactly for who he is, and who he chooses to be.
The foundation of acceptance is this: I see you, person I love, and I wish you to live your best life. I don’t wish anything from you. I let you go. I’m grateful you’re alive and in the world, and what made you the happiest was leaving. So I am glad you left.
I am truly glad, because that is what you chose, and I love you for who you are.
It’s not even just forgiveness, because forgiveness implies that there’s a wrong to forgive. There is no “wrong” here. Forgiveness, of course, comes first, waaaaay before you’re ready to raze your foundation.
If you’re not there, don’t worry, just release, and look around at your own life. Release as many times as you need to. You’ll find it hurts less as time goes by, and you’ll also find people rushing to fill the gap. These people are possibly drawn by the energy of release,
and they are not truly for you. Not yet. These are likely people who are drawn to the unavailable, and have wounds of their own that are drawn like a magnet to your grief. They are the rescuers and the fixers, the grief-dwellers and the ones who think love looks like sadness. Love them, be grateful for them, but please do not become romantically involved with the ones who show up now.
Something I am learning: if you wished to build a life with someone who ultimately didn’t want to be with you, this is energy you created in the past. This is something you drew. This is something I drew to me: that which did not want me.
So if I want to build a new life, and draw in that which chooses me, sees me, loves me, and counts themselves absolutely blessed to be my husband,
I need to shift my energy.
The energy needs to be quite clear. It isn’t “longing” energy, or “wistful” or broken or lost or incomplete … these things are all the things that drew to me a person I loved more than I have ever loved – a person who did not want to be with me.
Because what I was drawing to me was “longing,” you see?
As much as I fought – fought! – to make it work and to build “happiness” and “peace,” on a foundation of “longing,” THIS BUILDING CANNOT STAND.
I can’t say it strongly enough.
RAZE the foundations of something that rejected you. Anything that denied your heart. Anything that didn’t do whatever it took to work on building with you, to see the blessing of a life with you, MUST GO. Not “go” as in any acts of anger or unkindness. “Go,” as in, you gently release. They will go easily, because they wanted to! And that is okay.
And then, what you do, once you’ve got your foundation of acceptance – NOT anger, not grief, not “could-have-beens”, but acceptance, which means you can truly look at that person and say : I love you so completely. for everything you are and are not, for everything you’ve chosen and haven’t chosen, for every mistake I feel you made, for every mistake I made, for every time I was my worst self with you, for every time you were your worst with me, for every flaw and wound and everything you’ve perceived, for every shade I don’t agree with, for every beauty that you’ve given me, all of it. I love you. For every future choice, for whatever love you find and prefer and fight for, I love you. And I completely release. I need nothing from you. I know our time is fleeting here, and I choose to spend it loving you rather than wasting a single moment of the connection we’ve been given cut off because it hurts to let go… I will let it hurt, because this is how my heart and soul grow, and I am grateful for all of it.
This is the acceptance foundation.
Then, on top of that, build SELF acceptance. For whatever reason this person didn’t want you – unless you hurt someone and need to examine and grow and learn from that- the other reasons are NOT your business. (Trust me…me, who thought about getting a boob job. Me, who thought about dying my hair. Me, who thought about ceasing to eat food….) It is time for you to realize that you don’t have to win love.
Realize it on a deep soul level by loving yourself. Not easy, is it? I’ll tell you the steps. Here’s how to do it.
Every day, when you cut ties with the person you’ve loved deeply, realize that part of the reason that love was so powerful may have been (if they have not chosen you back, this is a possibility:) that in some way, this person holds energy that resembles a wound you’ve received early on in life. The moment when your young self felt incomplete or less-than. Continuing to desire someone when they do not choose us can indicate this sort of wound. So it’s time to patch it up. When you think of this person, if you feel pain, dive into it. Ask it what it needs.
Mine is a sort of “lack” feeling. It tells me, “you’re not good enough yet, you’re just not good enough for him to notice or care, so you’ve got to keep working harder.” I hear that, and then I fill it with my own regard. I fill it with “I see you. You are. You are strong and look how constant your love is. Look how loyal, look how magnificently you loved. You accepted someone knowing full well (I am a realist at heart) that he has a problem with committing to things. Commitment feels like prison to him, but you looked further into that, and you saw the absolute beauty of that. The reason commitment feels like the bars of a cage to that beautiful soul is that he cares too much. He feels responsible. He flees because when he feels responsible, he becomes anxious for people, continually anxious. He feels he can’t really say ‘no’ to responsibility for someone else’s troubles, and that results in the behavior of running away. You saw this, and you loved him so fiercely. You love him still, and for that love, I love you.
Give yourself this. The kind of love you give, that seeks to excuse wounding behaviors in others, that seeks to understand, it is time to learn to give that to yourself as consistently as you can.
For the first few days or weeks, if you’re like me, you’re going to feel really selfish. Let the thought come up “I’m being selfish,” and say “yeah. that’s right.” any time that inner voice seeks to tell you something like that, just agree with it. You can’t argue with that particular gremlin, because what it is seeking to do is keep you in the status quo of the victim/martyr.
When you do something brave, I want you to look in the mirror and say “you are so brave. You wonderful woman/man/being, you are magnificent.”
Say it, I do not care how corny you feel.
Get in the habit of saying the good things. Like you’d interact with your own child. Don’t focus on the bad. Don’t focus on the mess-ups. That’s what we do all day, every day, and it’s TIME to shift the energy now.
EAT CLEAN AND HEALTHY FOOD. DRINK PLENTY OF CLEAR WATER. MOVE YOUR BODY.
I can’t stress these ones enough. You are purifying yourself of all that is toxic, of all that is self-harming.
Because it’s time to draw people and situations into your life who accept you, love you as you are, and want you.
The desired outcome is: beloved. The desired outcome is: wholeness and thriving, abundance and synergy. Working together, learning from mistakes, argument for the sake of coming to understanding (rather than “being right”), and life built on a foundation of radical acceptance.
When someone talks to you, do you have something you want them to say? release, breathe, and come back to the foundation of acceptance. When someone is telling you their plans, do you have something you want them to do, or believe they should do? release again. Listen in order simply to hear, with curiosity, as they tell you their vision for their life. And let go of any identification with , or attachment to, that.
I believe what I am doing is again taking the warrior’s path. It may be far easier to simply “cut them off,” as many advised me to do. I was advised with a rabid fierceness, in fact, by complete strangers on the internet – that if I did not cut ties with my ex, I was not okay, and I was in fact mentally ill and heading for certain doom.
I just didn’t buy it.
Love, for me, is not contingent upon a definition of relationship. I have been blessed with such a love in my life. The moments he called “fantasy,” were real for me- but I am a realist, not an idealist. I can see when there are struggles, but I am also an optimist, so I say “this moment was connected and beautiful. this is real.” I see what is, and I make the best of it. It’s who I am.
I know what it is to lose someone to death, someone I loved, but was estranged from for years. I let my pride and anger steer me, and I lost years I could have spent being in his life. We came back together and were the best of friends again, just as if no time had passed, two days before he died. It was a gift from God and one of my deepest life lessons.
Don’t lose time. Learn the art of radical love. Accept what is, love yourself, live in the energy of self-acceptance, which will draw to you that which also accepts and loves you!
Time and life are both precious, non-renewable resources.
I am moved to write this today in case there’s someone out there who, like me, has been . urged to “cut off contact” with someone they still love. It’s the popular thing these days, but I am here to tell you there’s another way. It’s REALLY difficult, but YOU CAN SHIFT YOUR LOVE. you are allowed to love, and love fully. Just work, and work hard, until you do not desire to OWN. It’s the hardest work you will ever do. You’ll battle your ego, your pride, and you’ll come face to face with all that you are made of.
But understand this: if someone doesn’t work to be with you, they are not for you. You must shift your love so that it loves YOURSELF so much, you know and feel the kind of serenity you thought being with this other person would give you. If they can find someone else they’d rather be with, they are NOT for you, and you are so blessed they didn’t make themselves be with you!
It’s not defiant, and it’s not angry. If you feel those things, go back to square one, and raze that foundation again. Keep digging and burning until you have forgiven completely.
The feeling is one of peace, and of joy for NOW. Not in dreaming of someone or something to come, but right now, your life, all that it contains and doesn’t contain; joy and wholeness and magic and gratitude.