…and so can Han Solo (I still believe! 😛 )
I can rise from this, much stronger than before. My broken, shattered places will be mended with adamantium.
My new therapist (God bless him) has given me this insight: I am so much in my feminine, I had no safety of my OWN, not much structure, drive, focus…So much in the feminine, I was all flexibility, all nurture, creativity, play, multitasking,..and the shadow of that for me was big. people-pleasing, care taking, mothering, resentment, insecurity, jealousy, all of these things were my shadow.
*love does not have to make me weak.* I just have work to do in my own spirit before that can be true.
We can be both masculine and feminine in balance- it would remove the leaning on each other, and the toxicity of too MUCH in imbalance.
I wanted to share this in case it helps, in case anyone wants to know more about it.
My healing plan thus far, we came up with together : meditation, every day. I will describe the how and why of this in a blog post soon. Meditation strengthens the observer of the mind & emotions, and trains the mind to “let go” more quickly. I wish to move away from negative thought forms I come into contact with.
I wish to rebuild my life from this complete nothingness.
Healing plan my awesome crossfit trainer came up with: “Let’s focus on being the best version of you. Let’s make this year the last 6 months the best health you’ve ever been in.”
Healing plan my was-going-to-be Mother-in-Law came up with: write. write like your heart depends on it. you can write – you really can.
and she said “I wouldn’t be surprised if one day you win a Pulitzer”
and the healing plan from my would-have-been (but still honorary) sister-in-law: come pray with us. be free to cry here.
Healing from my parents: we love you. listening and support in all ways – I am grateful-
and the healing plan from my friends: “reach out when you are ready to talk.” “we’ll come over with a cheesecake, you can even be in your pajamas.” “come visit, our door is open/there is a room for you here. get away for a while and be welcome here.” How beautiful is that???
I am in a mourning place. I’m the caterpillar in the cocoon when everything in her body turns to mush, in order to transform.
I will stay here in the home I made for myself, until this transformation calls me to another clear step elsewhere.
I feel surrounded by hope. You hold me up. Thank you so much, for not judging me, thank you for loving me in all my many manymany flaws.
I am so grateful! I love you!