one stone at a time

There was always a first stone – even when they built Stonehenge.  There was a time when that was just a vision, a dream.

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There was a time not too long ago when I was still hampered by my spinal injury, and could not even drive for fifteen minutes without my arm going numb.

There was a time relatively recently when I lived with such confusion and pain, caught up in someone else’s story, that I rarely left my house.

First stone: I laid the first stone of my new, beautiful life when I found my counselor.  I went through the proper channels, filled out the necessary paperwork, went through meetings and screenings, and it was all very very hard because I was shaking with ptsd and crying.

it is harder when you are ill to do the things you need to do in order to get better. it is SO hard.

But one small tiny step at a time. keep moving forward. keep going.

I found a counselor who helped me on the very first day I met her.  Everything I went through was worth that first day, when hope came back ; when the realization came that there was nothing “wrong” with me, that I would heal, and that when I healed, I would be stronger and more compassion-filled; that I would be a force to be reckoned with.

I’m standing here today and affirming: It is true. I am a force. Nearly a year after my world was shattered, I am stronger and more empowered than I have ever been in my life.

*Because* of what I have been through – my self esteem is growing, my joie de vivre is back, and the rioting blossoms of spring have entered my soul.

you can look toward a day when you will be whole.

hold on to that. believe it.

I have a “tribe” of women now with whom I am going through a six month journey of amazing discovery and growth.  I went on a retreat in february to the beautiful mountains, stayed in a sweet little cabin and had classes in a little river yurt, ate wholesome organic meals and stood in the snow around a bonfire that reminded me of my own heart, so beautifully it burned and danced with sparks under the moon…

and from that time, my life just… exploded.

with adventure, with wonderful projects, with friends and romance, too.

I didn’t think I would ever feel *that* again, the excitement of being a young-ish woman meeting someone attractive and kind and getting to know him…

I thought my heart was destroyed.

What a resilient thing a heart is… it was not destroyed ; it was opened.
I can see with compassion now, not anger;  I have so much love for the one who brought me these tough lessons – but healthy love – I am no longer IN that story; it no longer is my life. I have such gratitude to be through that mitzrayim, that narrow, narrow place of the soul…

I am in a time of great expansion, and it is so exciting.

I’m on the other side, and I want to lay out a trail of words to tell others how to cross, if they are in narrow, trapped places in their own lives.

it starts small, but with great courage. Make a small change, and stick to it -even if it is a counseling appointment once a week – begin it. Whatever it is that your health requires – and we ALL have something that could make us healthier – implement it today; start with one small thing.

meditation practice – come on, everyone has five minutes.

the voice that comes up telling you “I don’t have time,” is just trying to keep you in old habits.  When we make change, we are always going to have to fight against that part of us that would rather remain in status quo, even if that is an unhealthy place to be.

I do not believe we are here to be as comfortable as possible until we die…

it will be uncomfortable to challenge your old mindsets or habits or patterns…but if you allow the discomfort and just sit with it, don’t react to it – just acknowledge it – you will grow. Your life will open up.

it’s amazing, when you clear away the things that no longer serve you,

when you sit there with the emptiness for a time (it was painful but I kept breathing through it. I reminded myself …allow the emptiness…get through your times of grief by knowing that is your psyche healing – ride those waves of sorrow out like you have food poisoning, or are giving birth-)

when you have the courage to make peace with discomfort and emptiness,

it makes room for beauty you never even imagined possible to come into your life.

it comes because you called it there. It comes because you are raising yourself and your life higher; you have set your intention and defined what you want; you are no longer just allowing whatever to come in and living your life in *reaction* to what happens to you-

you are now creating.

and WOW, is it fun!

No matter where you are in this process, you can begin creating your life.

one stone at a time – hold in your head the image of the beautiful structure you are building – (do you think people began Notre Dame Cathedral with complete confidence and certainty? No way. but they began it. and they kept going.)

build.

One stone might be: get specific about the kinds of friends you want in your life. if old relationships are no longer in alignment with who you want to be in the world,

define your tribe.

another stone of mine was : boxing classes. begin to do something you love, even if it’s really, really really really tough at first. keep going.

I thought I’d never box again; now I am going several times a week, sometimes several classes in a day. my strength is coming back *really* fast, as though my body was just waiting for me to figure out that I could trust it again, that I could give it a challenge.

another stone: just allow. make room and allow – act like your life is one big theater improv game – when things come in that your insides say YES to, say yes! go to see that play with that friend you haven’t seen in many years. Go to that class; learn that thing you’ve always wanted to try.  Take out all of the things you say “someday” about, and make them TODAY.

And it all begins and continues with gratitude – before you go to sleep, recognize the new and incredible things that came to you that day (even if they are tiny at first, celebrate and recognize them!) … when you are grateful for what comes, you will soon find that there is an abundance of that kind of magic, just waiting to pour into your life.  It was there all along, maybe , waiting for you to ask for it – waiting for you to grow big enough to see it.

What fun this is being…building my own personal stonehenge, one beautiful rock at a time.

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One thought on “one stone at a time

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