I called one of my “tribe,” which is what we are calling the 8 (or 13?) badass warrior women who are doing this 6 month program. We’re kicking it all off with a retreat starting in a few days!
So I called one of the ladies, whom I happen to know from my first-ever life coaching group,
and we (basically) laughed for 45 minutes. I freaking love that.
and somehow, I made a plan to run again – to train for a marathon with her.
I’m really, really happy about that. I used to be a cross-country runner,
but the “script” in my head has been telling me for over 20 years (since I became serious for a while about dancing, in fact) that I “can’t run.”
“dancers can’t run,” it said. So, I did not run.
Then : “ex-dancers who trashed and thrashed and thoroughly used their body cannot run.”
now…I am GLAD I worked my body so hard when it was young. I really wasn’t careful – I danced the hell out of it. I broke things, then taped them up and kept dancing. I was proud of my resistance to pain, and proud like a warrior of my ability to focus fiercely & proud, so proud, of my very strong and somewhat broken body.
I have silenced my competitive side for so many years – told it that it was BAD, that it was UNKIND, and totally starved it, like a plant shoved into a dark closet….
but it isn’t necessarily bad. competition pushes us, sometimes beyond where we think we can reach. I remember a fellow runner – Michelle Sleight was her name – we used to put our arms around each other’s shoulders and hold each other up, if one of us was having a cramp in her leg, or wanted to stop because her lungs hurt… we kept going, together. I’d slow down when we came to the finish and watch her push ahead, or she’d slow down and let me go first.
Our coach yelled at us a lot. One or the other of us was #7 in Europe; we swapped places.
That’s true competition. lifting each other higher … teamwork.
I want to encourage this again, this strength I used to have, lifetimes ago.
I want to either run a marathon, fence competitively, box, or learn a martial art…
2013 : BRING IT ON.
Listening to negative scripts in your head can make your world smaller, unnecessarily so. It can rob you of adventure.
Write a new script! I’m going to.
There’s a new heavy boxing bag hanging now, ready for me to begin my work. I’m going to be pulling on those gloves every single day.
I remember my Suzuki teacher : “your body takes to this like a duck to water, I’ve never seen anything like it. stay pissed at yourself.” I didn’t know what she meant – stay pissed at yourself. now I pretty much do. it was a strange way to say it – but that fierce focus, that point in intense exercise when you get beyond your muscular strength, when the sheer force of your will alone is the teammate who is holding you up – that’s when the “pissed at yourself,” warrior spirit comes out, and you fight. you’re not fighting in anger , it’s a kind of joy – and oh, I am looking forward to building up the strength to get there again.
starting with this retreat. Plunging in. (of course: we decided that we are going to be the “Jewish Princess” cabin, and we’re bringing coffee and french presses. because we are worth it ;o)