I’m pretty sure it is a merciful act of God that I am not a mother. I have lost two babies during my life – ectopic, painful, never even had a chance.  The most recent loss was pretty recent, and the man who was my fiance, who was “certain” about it being time for us to consider having a child, simply disappeared from my life … clearly not good father material. For these losses, I am grateful.  It took a while to heal. I am still healing… but now, it all seems rather funny, and very, very clear.

“NO WAY,” says God,  “ARE YOU HAVING THAT LIAR’S CHILD.”

Thanks, God! truly. thanks.

I am just coming to the point of health and ease about that, that I can express it lightly and openly. It is, after all, a very natural part of life: loss.

(Why do we women need to keep silent about these things, as though ashamed of our bodies’ “failure”?)

My parents are looking after Figaro in my absence, and my instruction list is a scary, lengthy thing…really. You’d have to see it to believe it. I would be a very overprotective mother…I truly cannot even begin to express how awful I would be.

this is my excuse.  who wouldn’t be overprotective? 

 

 

There is a reason for hardships. We can’t always see that when we are so deeply in it. I feel so blessed to be able to see heartbreaking things with humor now. Thank God for the faintly ridiculous lenses I wear in my goggles –

I am sharing this here because I think it might help some people. I am not making light of losses. I am not belittling hardships … But it’s the deal we make when we come in the door, you know? You’re going to suffer. We are all going to die, too, but we will learn, we’ll laugh, and we will love, too, along the way.

I have friends who keep silent on things that we all share, as human beings. whether we like to admit it or not; whether we want to think about it or not – we do share these things.

We can all bear the burden together. You don’t have to speak – I will. Some won’t be comfortable with my openness; some will judge or criticize, and that’s ok. I’m starting to think it’s my job to be God’s court jester in the world 🙂

(And Figaro is going to be soooo s p o i l e d while I’m gone, but this kitty mama is having a really hard time leaving him.)