I’ve decided to focus this blog on my experiences with coaching and the Maggid program & my women’s empowerment therapy group. I am doing *so* much in the way of growing & healing right now, in fact, that I need to have a place to process it all. So: here it is.
I’m doing a lot of fighting these days against old dreams. Dreams that used to mean the world to me – things I sacrificed for , worked toward…are feeling hollow. They are feeling like tight sweaters.
I went across the country to learn Hebrew… drove. then flew back to Portland and lived there for a time. all to learn Hebrew. Maybe one day I will write about that long (and difficult and hilarious) journey.
I fought to be in the Maggid program; dropped other things, made room in my life… I am also teaching hebrew / pre b’nai mitzvah to kids, which was an honor to be asked to do…
but where am *I* in all of this? I’m not there any more. The rituals are ringing hollow, and bringing up pain / scar tissue/ resistance. The connection and living, vital force is simply not there. I am not there.
I am either scared, defensive and small, in “abandoned orphan” mode, with my Celtic fists up and ready to do battle,
Or I’m … elsewhere. with my heart in the remodeling work, or in the writing that is languishing while I do these other things, or… or.
I am needing to heal from an immense betrayal – from my past relationship – a huge abandonment, manipulation, lie – you name it: that has been left behind me now, but there is still SO much healing to do.
I can’t just walk away, because I don’t want the things he left me with to *ever* come up again. I do not want this person to have power in my life at ALL. So, I am working , delving, clearing things out before building something new. I have made self-care and healing TOP priority this year.
and what I am finding is this:
as you begin to do the work, resistance comes up more strongly.
When I catch on to my “gremlins,” for instance , they get crafty; they change voices. They become projections of what other people are thinking. It’s always negative toward me, and it’s always in a played-out scene, in these people’s voices.
For instance, one of my Maggid teachers. “she loathes me,” says my mind: “she is saying this -” and my mind goes on to craft an entire scene. “Geez! I wish that Rivkah would shut up, she’s such a mess, and I am tired of her.” or “I wish she would quit this course.”
So right now, the answer is to pause, breathe, realize that is the Self-Critic talking, (only it’s gotten very crafty and it’s speaking in a new voice) and it ISN’T REAL. Even if it were real, it would be up to the other person, I think, to communicate with me if they wanted something — their thoughts are not my business, and I am so much happier when I simply…let go.
Lately all my self-critic (or “gremlin” as my awesome life coach Ana calls it) is to do with abandonment – people not wanting me around, etc. VERY obvious where that comes from. That’s the bewildered and harmed little-girl me. The Victim. Perhaps it’s time to remember to hug her, and tell her : I will never abandon you. No matter what other people do or say, I will never abandon you, self. I will never betray you or act against your needs. Not ever again.
Have you ever tried to tell yourself this?
I am beginning to think that people sometimes look for things from others that we can be giving ourselves. And I’m thinking that is where a lot of pain comes from. If I start looking around for reassurance, or for support or praise or acceptance or love, even — what about if I give that to myself? I can do that any time. and it’s AWESOME how much happier I am when I do that.